My last two relationships have been what the dictionary will call; “opposite.”
If I were to summarize the first one, it would be that; she was into me more than I was into her and it was a turn off for me. For her, it was a rollercoaster of emotions. Her happy days were the days in which I was in a good mood. The other days were the days where my truest intentions showed and she would be sad. Being the strong girl that she was, she would suck up the sad days that were more constant than the good days. Why she did this, I don’t understand but then, this is just another thing I have learnt about love; that the good days are so good, people will suffer an unimaginable amount of pain to get to them.
I eventually broke up with her over a phone call. Two weeks later, she helped solve a disagreement I had with my best friend. It was kind of like amazing. I mean I broke up with her like the way a deadbeat dad leaves his son, didn’t call to check up on her and two weeks later she was still helping me. I think it was at that point I realized what the universe had being telling me all along; that I didn’t deserve her.
I started seeing a girl I had to chase like a rabid dog. As frustrating as it was, I liked it. I remember talking to a close friend of mine about this, everyone calls him Black (for obvious reasons). He told me that “the reason for which I had issues with her would be the reason for which I would stay remain with her”. When he said it, he sounded like those idiots that say stuff like “aspire to inspire”. But now, I can confirm that he was always right.
I once made out with her in a moving vehicle at night to the absolute disgust of the girl sitting beside us. It was one of the best moments of my life. Kissing someone in public is one of those things that is beautiful when you do it, but weird when you have to watch a fellow Nigerian do it (except maybe Nigerian porn stars). After we sent countless “I love you” messages to each other that night, we had a big fight the next morning that lasted for about two days. It was about her Ex.
About a year later, we broke up for reasons not related to her Ex. If I were to take a guess, it would be because I was way more into her than she was into me. A little while after we broke up, she confessed to me that her earlier lover had always been out of the picture since way before, and that she just didn’t feel the need to tell me. I went to bed confused as ever. At the moment, I am still confused about her actions but all I can say is that, that is the thing about the exciting ones; the unpredictability makes them so exciting, but that is also what makes them unpredictable.
Looking back at all the girls I have been with, it has occurred to me that I attract a certain type — the twisted jealous ones that can set your balls on fire while you are asleep, the complicated girls that people hate, the girls that keep me guessing, and the older girls with crazy stories. Around the time that I am writing this, I conversed with one of the most beautiful girl I have ever had a “thing” with. I recently told one of my friend that the reasons I like this girl are the reasons people don’t; she has a beautiful daughter born out of wedlock (which in Nigeria, means you are a hoe), and she doesn’t have over five friends — I find this hopelessly sexy.
At the moment, I am not in a relationship neither am I heartbroken. Over the past months, I can say that there is a certain tastelessness about not being in love — I like to think of it as the effect of drinking water; it is neither sweet nor bitter, you are just full.
For the first time in a long time; I am sane, but it feels like the world is dull all over. I can say I now understand why people find it hard to stay single. The back and forth between love and pain is just a subtle reminder that we are alive.
If I were to place a bet, it would be that eventually, I will be back in the everyday hustle and bustle of love. If not because I am tired of having to use my hands, it would be because if my friends call me gay one more time, I would stab myself in the throat with a broken beer bottle.
I want to believe that I know better now. That this time I know from experience that although everyone says that they love being chased — in the truest sense — we love to chase people. It is just that feeling that we don’t have that person yet. If I were to take a word from the dictionary for this feeling, I would call it a “challenge”.
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